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Showing posts from March, 2019

VAMPIRE FRUIT

Q: Which fruit is a vampire’s favorite? A: Neck-tarine!

SICK ZOMBIE

Q: Why didn’t the zombie go to school? A: He felt rotten!

ALL EARS

Q. What has hundreds of ears but can’t hear a thing? A. A cornfield!

BLAST OFF

Q. What’s really fast, loud, and tastes good with salsa? A. A rocket chip!

PICKLE PUN

Q. What did one pickle say to the other pickle who wouldn’t stop complaining? A. “Dill with it.”

HAND IN HAND

Q. What did the finger say to the thumb? A. I’m in glove with you!

FUNNY FOWL

Q. What do you call a duck that loves making jokes? A. A wise-quacker!

TARDY BROOM

Q. Why was the broom late for school? A. It overswept!

PREHISTORIC HUMOR

Q. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A. Because chickens didn’t exist yet!

FROZEN ACCOUNTS

Q. Where do polar bears keep their money? A. In a snow bank!

IT’S A PHASE

Q. How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair? A. Eclipse it!

WRITE ON

Q. What’s a writing utensil’s favorite place to go on vacation? A. Pencil-vania!

SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED

Q. How do vampires start their letters? A. “Tomb it may concern…”

PLANT PALS

Q. What did the big flower say to the little flower? A. Hi, bud!

VERY SLIPPERY

Q. What’s a banana peel’s favorite type of shoe? A. Slippers!

ROLLING WITH LAUGHTER

Did you hear the one about the little mountain? It’s hill-arious!

YOU CAN FLY

Q. Why is Peter Pan flying all the time? A. He Neverlands!

THE GLASS SLIPPERS DON’T HELP

Q. Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer? A. Because she always runs away from the ball!

DO THE MONSTER MATH

Q. Are any Halloween monsters good at math? A. No—unless you Count Dracula!

Lying Ghosts

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because you can see right through them.

Snowman

What do you call an old snowman? Water!

Tooth Time

Q: What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? A: Tooth: hurty!

Cold vampires

Q: What can you catch from a vampire in winter-time? A: Frost-bite!

Ghost Beverages

Q: What do ghosts like to drink the most? A: Ghoul-ade!

Like a Parrot

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot. A: A carrot.

The Magic Dog

Q: What do you call a magic dog? A: A Labracadabrador.

The Bottom of the Sea

Q: What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A: A nervous wreck.

The Theater

Q: Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? A: He was just going through a stage.

The Actor

Q: Why do we tell actors to break a leg? A: Because every play has a cast.

The Virtues of Switzerland

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

The Shy Farts

Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A: A private tutor.

The Driving Dino

Q: What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? A: Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

Vampire Insomnia

Q: Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife fall asleep? A: Because of his coffin!

Nosy Pepper

Q: What do you call a nosy pepper? A: jalapeno business!

The Rubber Toe

Q: What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? A: Roberto.

The Wet Sand

Q: Why was the sand wet? A: Because the sea weed.

The Butcher Accident

Q: What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? A: He got a little behind in his work.

The Cool Shark

Q: What do sharks say when something cool happens? A: Jawesome!

No Eye Fish

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye? A: Fssshh.

Mummy Music

Q: What kind of music do mummies listen to? A: Wrap music.

The Bike Fall

Q: Why did the bicycle fall over? A: It was two tired.

The Population of Ireland

Q: Did you hear about the population of Ireland? A: It’s Dublin.

Sensitive Burglar

Q: Why was the burglar so sensitive? A: He takes things personally.

Pregnant Bed Bug

Q: Have you heard of the pregnant bed bug? A: She’s going to have her baby in the spring.

Jungle Royalty

Q: Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle? A: Because he is always lion.

The Pile of Cats

Q: What do you call a pile of cats? A: A meow-tain

How to Stop a Bull

Q: How do you stop a bull from charging? A: Cancel its credit card.

Flower Math

Q: How many lips does a flower have? A: Tu-lips.

Another Name for Seagull

Q: What do you call a seagull when it flies over a bay? A: A Bagel.

After School Elves

Q: What do elves do after school? A: Their gnome work.

Traditional Thanksgiving

Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? A: No, you should just stick with turkey.

The Holy Water

Q: How do you make holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it.

The Sad Math Book

Q: Why did the math book look so sad? A: Because of all its problems.

Writing Hands

Q: Which hand is better to write with? A: Neither, it’s better to write with a pen.

The Scared Skeleton

Q: Why was the skeleton afraid of the storm? A: He didn’t have any guts.

Humpty Dumpty

Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? A: To make up for his miserable summer.

The Cool ‘Shrooms

Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties? A: Because they’re such fungis!

The Bashful Tomato

Q: Why did the tomato blush? A: Because it saw the salad dressing.

Artichoke Fatality

Q: How do you make an artichoke? A: You strangle it.

Cheese Propriety

Q: What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese? A: Nacho cheese.

Octopus Laughs

Q: How do you make an octopus laugh? A: With ten-tickles.

Tiny Beaches

Q: What washes up on really small beaches? A: Micro-waves.

Broken Boomerangs

Q: What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A: A stick

Giant Talk

Q: How do you talk to giants? A: Use big words!

Rich Elves

Q: What do you call a rich elf? A: Welfy

The Astronaut’s Baby

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying? A: You rocket!

Strongest Days of the Week

Q: What are the strongest days of the week? A: Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.

The Problem with Baseball Stadiums

Q: Why is a baseball stadium always cold? A: Because it’s full of fans!

It Has Wheels and Flies

Q: What has four wheels and flies? A: A garbage truck.

Baseball Hero

Q: Which superhero hits the most home runs? A: Batman

Tissue Dance

Q: How do you get a tissue to dance? A: You put a boogie in it.

The Imprisoned Picture

Q: Why was the picture sent to jail? A: It was framed.

Again Snowman

Q: What do you call an old snowman? A: Water

Why Dog’s Can’t Dance

Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers? A: They have two left feet?

Plate Whisperer

Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate? A: Dinner is on me.

The Problem With Atoms

Q: Why can’t you trust atoms? A: They make up everything.

The Fake Noodle

Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An im-pasta

The Friendly Ocean

Q: How does the ocean say hello? A: It waves.

The Hospitalized Banana

Q: Why did the banana go to the hospital? A: He was peeling really bad.

Smarter Than a Parrot

Q: What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A: A spelling bee.

Why Birds Fly

Q: Why do birds fly to warmer climates in the winter? A: It’s much easier than walking!